When I was in Secondary School, I believed in my friends with all my heart and soul only to be betrayed badly one fine day.
Just a minute ago we were all happily dining, and next, I was being locked up in the CCA room right beside exam hall. Not once, but (stupidly) twice. Ultimately after I kept probing, I was told, this is what i deserved for getting too close to juniors.
Teachers thought I cried wolf. I almost cut myself during D&T lesson as I was so traumatised, humiliated and I just wasn’t sure how to face anyone and everything.
Nevertheless, life went on albeit I have phobia during exams in that very hall.
When I got into Poly, much as I wanted to join my friends to choose Business, I chose Marketing for one simple reason. It had the least exams to take. I selected mostly non examinable subjects in order to escape from exam halls. I was worried I couldn’t make it.
In 2007, I got into a new relationship, started my first semester in UNISIM, and started my first full time job in a Bank. However, just as I thought luck was coming, I was diagnosed with Lymphoma cancer in an overnight.
Cancer didn’t beat me down. Through tears, sweat and most importantly, all the family support, I manage to survive and beat that darn cancer.
I even overcame my fear of exam hall, and passed with flying Colors for my Degree.
In 2013, I got pregnant with Chloe and had to bedrest for almost 9 months due to unstable pregnancy because of my womb shape. Not only so, I embraced sleepless nights almost every single day, which came along with migraines. But I couldn’t and don’t wish to take any medication. I felt that’s the least I can do for my baby and my body.
In 2015, I was told I might have suffered my first miscarriage unknowingly at a GP where i first come across the term chemical pregnancy. I didn’t know what it’s about. In fact, I felt nothing about it. But I was in slightly more pain than my usual period. But, when I told my ex colleagues, they mocked at me and didn’t believe me. It was then, that I See some true faces as well.
Oh did I also tell you? Due to the shape of my womb, I have double pain during period compared to normal women. And I cannot take painkillers.
Sometime later I decided to try for my second pregnancy officially and I was in luck. I got pregnant in 2016. However, luck wasn’t on my side. I was stressed out by my ex boss to the extent... I couldn’t even save this pregnancy.
I suffered 3 days in a hospital, bleeding and watching my sac drop right infront of me. Yet there was still no operating theatre available. I couldn’t take any painkillers due to allergy too. I was told to tolerate the pain so that I can wait to go in to do my D&E surgery to prevent more complications. Did you know, I was in a 6 bedded ward, everyone of us was losing our child in different conditions. I didn’t dare or want to cry or shout. Because everyone of us were in equally unbearable mental and physical pain. They didn’t scream or cry aloud, why should I?
But the wait, became a 3 days wait until I had even more blood loss that they began finding blood.
The hospital said I went in bleeding but without pain. But I went in screaming. They also said that I was miscarrying but no surgery room available. I had to wait. I was powerless against such a big company. No lawyer dare to take my case and also advised me to drop it.
My ex boss didn’t let me off either. Slowly, I tried to drag my soul to work, and slowly I don’t even wish to meet people. I knew I was sinking into depression. But I thought I have been through so much, shouldn’t be right? I was afraid to face up this time.
Finally, my family encouraged me to let go of everything. My pride, my career and worked on my unhappiness. I also started Supreme Parents as a hobby at this time.
More than 2 years down the road, although I had some chemical pregnancies along the way, I wasn’t really upset. I guess it’s because my major miscarriage was the worst I can ever embrace. The physical pain was even worse than Chemotheraphy. The mental pain was bearable as I personally don’t take them as real pregnancies. I took them as bad eggs.
Despite quite a turbulent life, Today, I’m alive, happy and contented with life. I still have the most supportive family, my boyfriend-turned-hubby, and I’m blessed with one child- Chloe. I’m already pretty blessed isn’t it?
I have also bear grudges (even to this day), I have Also cursed and sweared. I’m just a human being. But over the years, I learnt that I need to unleash my unhappiness, I need to vent my anger. And I try manage all these with more experiences over the years though. Only you know what can make you happy or stand up again.
Recently, I have been hearing some parents facing adversities and I’m penning down this to tell you all, you are never alone. Everyone has a story, and we can always try to create the beautiful end to it. Speak to your closed ones or even me(if you don’t mind), or speak to professionals.
Simplicity and staying contented makes one really happy don’t you think so?
My life story is only halfway there (I hope my lifespan can be longer?), and my remaining years, I certainly hope to continue to still celebrate and embrace life (and lemons), and learn to be a better me.
Everyone leads a different life from each other. Everyone has your own pain threshold to your own definition of happiness.
Parents, hang on there. We can all do it. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade 🍋 !