Recently read some posts abt the same hospital with the same sucky attitude or medical errors. It makes me burn with anger and grief.
In 2016, I suffered 3 days of pain and bleeding without painkillers. My foetus was flushed away. No doctors came. I don’t even remember having any proper scan done. I was induced. When they found out about the medical error, they finally have an OP theatre for me.
I wasn’t pushing a life out.
I was pushing myself out.
My ex boss harassed me for sales, to go work and more.
My hubby sent me to a hosp that wasn't my choice due to the state i was already in.
My mum had some issues. My dad had a minor stroke.
Many tell me, that be blessed you have a living child. But that to me, is a different issue.
Many tell me to let go of this injustice.
Many tell me to forget and forgive.
I watched as people in the ward cry in silence.
I watched as lives are lost, but we cannot do anything about it.
Months later, my tears had a problem. It wont flow.
My ex boss didn’t say sorry.
He said: Aiyo u know u were a cancer patient u should not try for kids then it won’t have happened.
The hospital didn’t say sorry.
They said: I didn’t leave anything in ur body. All u had was your family members as ur witnesses.
All I wanted was a sincere sorry too.
All they gave.. were trauma, threats and excuses.
I hate to be this vengeful.
I hate to be this willful.
But yet I chose to be so.
I cannot forget Nor forgive.
I don’t plan to.
I cannot even take revenge.
I dont wish to go jail for punishing the evil ones.
But what can I do for the living?
It is to emerge stronger.
It is to continue to live.
It’s hard to, but
Let’s all try to find back the happy us.. for our loved ones are waiting for us to pick ourselves up.
There are people who tell me, live for your beloved ones, YES, im trying to. You can't tell because you ain't me.
You see my laughter and joy.
But you don't see how I live my nights.
There are many scars on my body.
I don't encourage anyone to inflict self harm.
I don't really know what or why i did so.
But, dont do this to yourselves.
Thankfully will power, love from family and friends hold me all together. But some nights i still lose myself. That's why im seeking help with IMH.
But, it's really so hard. So hard I cannot breathe at times.
I don't know how long it will take for me to be less hateful, less spiteful, or when can i find back myself.
But for now, though i cannot sleep well.
I'm thankful I can still laugh and cry.